Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
