I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
