My friends, they love my intelligence
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
