I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
