Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
