I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
