had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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