you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
