You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
