im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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