8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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