I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
