Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
