he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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