Swine flu. Run for my life!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
