Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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