you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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