Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
