She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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