This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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