I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
