i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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