i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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