Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
someone owes me an orgasm
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Mom said you looked used
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
