dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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