Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
