I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
