Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
