so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
