I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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