It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
