I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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