It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
