Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
