theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
