if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
