Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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