Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
