Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
