I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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