you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
