I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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