Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
