He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
