I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
