i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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