i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
