my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
