Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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