just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
